Diary

Well I think this is going to end up being my diary for a while. My psychologist wants me to keep one anyway and I think I'm more likely to keep up with it here.

Life hasn't been easy lately. I hide behind this mask of humor and hope that no one notices how screwed up I really am. I spend all my time trying to fix everyone else so that I don't have to think about my own problems. And now that I have a big problem I don't know who I can tell besides my husband. I just feel like I'll burden everyone. My logical brain says that isn't the case but my emotional brain has trouble opening up when I'm scared about something. It's a vicious circle jerk.

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared to death.

I haven't felt right in months. I've been super tired. I've been having insane night sweats. No appetite. Abdominal fullness. Generalized Itchiness.

Add these all to Google and it says Lymphoma.

Now I know people are going to say "go to a doctor." I am.

I'm having blood tests and X-rays and ultrasounds. I'm scared.

I'm scared that I'm imagining all these symptoms. I'm scared that no one will believe me. I'm scared that I'm right.

I'm scared.

I'm terrified.

I feel alone.